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A friend recently sent me a ‘Catholic’ matrimonial form that included spaces to fill in caste, salary, figure, weight and complexion.
Though we can’t be sure of the authenticity of that particular form, it’s similar enough to many actual Indian matrimonial services that I thought it warranted a critique.
I shared it on the Catholic Matchmaking insta handle and asked our followers for their thoughts. Most seemed outraged, though there were some who seemed resigned to this being the reality of the Indian matchmaking scene and their experience with actual potential spouses.
I shared some of my thoughts-
I think many Indian Catholics have become desensitized to how dehumanizing this way of thinking or spouse-finding is. We are not objects and we should not be treating others as objects, just because everyone else is doing it.
As Catholics, we are called to lift up different aspects of our culture to the light of Christ, and see if it reflects His truth. If it doesn’t, then we need to allow Him to purify those aspects of our culture.
How do we do that?
By refusing to participate in this objectifying and dysfunctional method of spouse-finding.
Don’t allow people to treat you like that, don’t treat others like that. Don’t play that game and speak up clearly when people expect you to.
Challenge your parents or relatives who may be passing on these prejudices about caste, or selfish ambition about career and salary.
We need to be the change we want to see.
We need to speak up publicly against these customs or norms.
Let’s talk about caste. As Catholics, we are equals in Christ. There is no one lower or higher, which is exactly how the caste system works. There is almost always an element of pride involved, where one group thinks they are better than others, evil ideologies that look at some people as lesser than because of their ‘caste’. We need to repent of such sins. Casteism is a sin. Let’s not whitewash it.
It’s easy for us to look at racism in the US and decry it, but we are blind to how almost all our families talk about people from different communities. Prejudices are passed down. But they need to stop with us.
There is a difference between community and caste, though those concepts are often viewed as interchangeable. Our community or culture refers more to the distinct traditions, customs, language and way of life that we have grown up with. It is understandable that many people would prefer to marry someone with more in common with them, and especially share a language and mindset.
But for many of us urban Catholics, we have enough in common in spite of our family’s culture. We have attended the same colleges, speak the same language, are employed in the same workplaces, have developed a similar mindset, have a common pop culture because of media, and in many cases, been formed deeply enough in our own faith and priorities that having different family cultures is not an insurmountable challenge.
That’s up to each couple to discern- do we have enough in common to make this work? And are we willing to accept each other’s family cultures even if they are different from ours?
But no one can or should be telling you to prejudge or exclude someone based on their community.
What about salary? You are not your salary. Anyone who treats you as acceptable or unacceptable based on your salary is not someone who is ready for a Christian marriage.
Of course having a steady job, being able to take on the responsibilities of marriage ARE important. But those are not details that you need to ask in a form, but as you get to know someone.
Figure, complexion, weight? Objectification at its worst. We need to be attracted to the person we marry. You need to like their face. I think a photo is good. BUT asking these details in a form is such an insult to the fact that we are PERSONS not a collection of physical characteristics or measurements. When you meet someone, when you get to know them, you will find out if you are attracted to the WHOLE person.
We put ourselves and others into such small boxes. I cannot believe that this is how God planned for us to enter into the beautiful vocation of marriage.
That’s partly why I started Catholic Disciples Matchmaking Service.
Let’s be different. Let’s ask God to set us and our society free from these evil and dehumanizing traditions. As Catholics, let’s be lights in our country rather than giving in to the darkness.