I recently shared some interviews about the choice to be a stay- at- home- mother aka SAHM on the CDMS Insta (@catholicmatchmaking). It raised some discussion and some reactions. So I put together some thoughts about this decision.
Regarding the choice to be a SAHM, here’s NOT what I am saying:
– All Catholic mothers MUST be SAHMs.
– You are a bad mom if you work outside the home.
– You should feel guilty if you are not a SAHM
– It is not possible to be a holy and happy family if you are not a SAHM.
There are many valid reasons for mothers to work outside the home.
– There are financial needs that CANNOT be met by the husband’s salary alone.
– You have the kind of job that allows you to meet your children’s needs and go to work.
– Your husband is able to stay home with the kids when you are working
– You have a trusted caregiver who cares for your kids in the hours you are not there
Finally the most important thing is to discern what is best for your family and do that. The best thing may be to make sure rent is paid, loans are paid off, and there is food on the table, and the only way to do that may be for the mother to go to work.
BUT what I am also saying is:
The best thing for your family could very well be for the children to have their Mama around, a secure and safe and invested adult who knows what they need and is able to be around enough to know when there’s a problem. A mother’s arms is very often the only place a young child is soothed. Why deprive them of that unless it’s necessary?
Btw, this doesn’t let fathers off the hook. Kids need their dadas too. SAHMs need their husbands to be around as much as possible, even it means sacrificing some career goals or perks. It may even mean switching careers or accepting positions that allow more time at home.
When you have a family, priorities need to change for both men and women. What that will look like is different for each family. You need to talk and pray and figure out the best plan is for your particular family.
But also, TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS WITH A POTENTIAL SPOUSE!
Women, you don’t want to find yourself married to someone who
– Has completely different ideas than you do about this area
– Expects you to bring in a second salary AND handle everything related to the house and children too
– Expects that because you are a SAHM, he has no responsibility in caring for children or taking care of the home when he is around
– Thinks that SAHM life is easy and privileged
– Thinks of his salary as his alone, and that he is very generously (or grudgingly) giving you an allowance.
– Is married to his career and places all his worth in worldly success or keeping up with the Joneses.
– Isn’t willing to sacrifice some of his career goals so that you are able to pursue your dreams too.
If you want to be a SAHM, make sure your potential husband values this role as an equal contribution to family life, and that any salary earned as belonging to you both. Make sure he’s willing to share the burden and give you a break regularly. Make sure that he knows you have dreams and hopes too, and that he is willing to support you in them as the kids grow older.
Men, you don’t want to find yourself married to a woman who
– Prioritizes her career above her children’s needs
– Is resentful of the demands that young children can and will make of her
– Doesn’t want to have children because of those demands
– Places all her identity and worth in her career
– Feels that being a SAHM is degrading or less-than
Some tips that can help both:
– Talk about your perspective before deciding to get married
– Talk about dreams and goals for your lives
– Talk about what kind of values and formation and childhood you want to give your children
– Talk about the sacrifices both will have to make for the sake of your family (talk to a married couple together for real life examples)
– Reflect together on the call that Jesus has given us all to lay down our lives, to sacrifice, to live an other centred life.
– Reflect on what you want to different from your parents, and what you’d like to imitate.
– Talk about money, about joint accounts, about what are necessities and what are luxuries, about vacations and any other financial commitments including loans.
Does a SAHM lose her identity?
– It could happen if she feels trapped and/or places her identity in worldly success, what people say, or in financial security
– Finally our identity is not our careers, not even being wives or mothers. We must have a confidence and peace in being sons and daughters of God, whether we have jobs, degrees, spouses or children.
– If we can embrace that core identity, and our spouses value us just as we are, then we will never lose our identity.
– At the same time, God has given us unique gifts and talents and interests, and we should make sure there is room to pursue them even as SAHMs. It may mean running a home business, or creating art, or reading books, or teaching Sunday School, or hosting a Bible study.. whatever it is, make sure your husband is supportive and that you prioritize the things that make you feel like YOU.
Last piece of advice for women:
DON’T MARRY SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN’T FULLY TRUST
Being a SAHM is in many ways putting yourself in a vulnerable position. But if you’re getting married, you shouldn’t go in with your guard up, assuming someone is going to exploit you. If you feel that way about a potential spouse, don’t get married to him! This only works if you both totally trust each other.
Oh, one more thing: As Christians, we are called to make our decisions in trust, not fear. God loves you. He is the One who has entrusted your children to you. If your situation seems impossible, ask Him to show you solutions. If finances are tight, ask Him to provide. If you feel He is calling you to SAHM life, ask Him to give you all that you need to make it possible.
You may be worried about your children’s higher education, about paying for their weddings, about their school fees, about a permanent home.
Many of these concerns might stop people from welcoming children (or more children) into their families.
Again, look to Jesus. I have seen Him provide for me, and for many others who have made choices in obedience to His inspiration and leading.