Catholic Couples Highlight: Basil and Jackie

Basil and Jackie have been married for over 40 years, and have five children and nine grandchildren. They share their wisdom with us here:

What advice would you give single people hoping to get married soon?

Basil: I would advise that they pray specifically for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  Ask first of all ‘Is God is calling me to marriage or consecrated life?’  

Jackie: Pray, ask and believe that the Lord really does love you; that He has a plan for you; and that He has the power to bring you to the right person. Today’s first reading from James says ‘Don’t be like a wave,  going this way and that.  Ask and believe.’

God has created the whole universe, why can’t He bring you to the right person? 

Another thought:  If you want a miracle to happen, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU,  like Mother Mary said at Cana.  

He may tell you to do a simple thing like ‘be faithful to your prayer time’, or ‘work at giving up resentment’.

God wants to work a miracle in your life, but he asks us to do our part. He asked the servants to fill the water jars with water. Be faithful to what He asks of you. He will do the rest. BELIEVE!

At first it looked like Jesus wasn’t going to do anything, but Mary had full faith that He would… and He did work a miracle!

Basil: I recommend the 33 Days to Marian Consecration. 

Jackie: If you’ve already met someone you’re hoping to marry, start doing the things that will help you to build your relationship. Set aside time to talk about certain issues.  Sometimes it may be a little stormy because you may have different opinions… about the number of children you want to have, or what you do with your money. 

First say a prayer and then sit and talk about it. You can use the Alpha Marriage Preparation Course, or my daughter’s upcoming book ‘Let’s Talk About It’. Even if you don’t agree about everything,  you will get to understand each other better. 

Another tip:  Do things together! The more interaction, the better chance of understanding each other.. You will also discover in time, if there is some serious problem.

Get to know each in different settings, not just over a restaurant table. Mix with other people, join parish or community activities and outreaches. Spend time with each other’s families if possible, because certain things come out in those situations. Eg. Will my spouse put our relationship first, before that with his parents?

What is one thing you wish you had known or done before you got married?

Basil: We didn’t know lots of things before.  When we got married, it was a love marriage and nothing else.   We never communicated on a deeper level,  talked about issues before we got married. Only after we got married we learned this.   

Jackie: When I was moving to Dubai as a young bride, I didn’t even realize we would be living with my brother- in-law. I thought we would be going to our own house. I was a bit young and naive and didn’t realize I could have a say in the matter. I wish I had realized that we should have been talking about things. 

We made our vows “I promise to love you and honor you”. Honor also means “I respect you. I’m ready to listen to you and I’m ready to respond to you.”  We have to have this idea that we are equal partners and we’re walking hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

I just noticed in Genesis that it says AFTER the Fall, God talks about  the husband ruling over the wife. It wasn’t part of God’s original plan. The idea of subjugation and domination came afterwards. That’s why the woman was shown as being created from the rib , which is close to the heart, not from the head, or from the foot. So, it would be good if we agree right from the start that we are going to face life together, make our decisions together. 

Any tips for dealing with conflict or disagreement in a healthy way?

Basil: I feel that humility is the key to everything. You must want to resolve the conflict and not just prove that you are right. You need to be willing to accept the other; and ask how do we resolve this rather than insisting on your own way.  

Jackie: It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. The goal is to love grow in unity, and give glory to God. 

There are some usual rules-

*Go to a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed, make sure your phones are on silent.

*Don’t feel like you have to talk immediately, the other person may be upset or you may be in the middle of the situation, so wait for a good time and then say,  “Can we talk?” Be patient enough to wait for that time.  

*Say a prayer and then say,  “This was upsetting.” You probably will get a backlash, because whenever something negative is said, it feels like an attack on your self-image. 

*So to address that, affirm the good. Don’t be fake about it. Even though it may feel a little artificial, say “I appreciate this in you… I know that you’ve worked so hard..” 

*Now address the issue. Say what has upset you. Very often people just want to ‘keep the peace’, so avoid confrontation. But there isn’t real peace; the problem comes our some other way. 

Communication helps us to have the good relationship God really wants for us. He wants us to be united, and comfortable with each other.  We become better witnesses too.

How do you incorporate your faith into your married life?

Jackie: I think the number 1 thing that brought our faith alive was that we had 
family prayer together, including the Word of God. We didn’t just say the Rosary. We read and talked about the Word. 

There were also little practices like a short prayer before the children went to school; grace before meals; Sunday Mass together; talking and praying about problems together.

I feel it all starts with the Word of God. If you’re reading the Word daily and listening to what God has to say, then when things go wrong, you have something to fall back on.  

Basil: I think being a disciple and following Jesus gives you a different perspective on your marriage. Finally it’s sacrificial love that keeps you together. Unless each one chooses Christ-like sacrificial love,  marriages are in danger, because the devil is out to destroy our unity. We need to willing to be like Jesus and carry our crosses. 

Jackie: When we’ve had a conflict, and both on the extreme edges of the bed, we are both praying quietly, “Lord, help us!” Sooner or later something changes.  When there seems to be an impasse, the Lord steps in and does something. 

We are human and weak; relationships are not easy.  But when both have the same faith, that helps you to stay together. You can talk with the same base or foundation,  because both of you know Jesus and know what He wants.  You can even make decisions based on that.  Otherwise you can go all over the place, especially with bringing up your children. If you don’t have the same values and priorities  you might find yourselves pulling in opposite directions.  There’s much more scope for conflict. The ways of Jesus are so different from the priorities of the world.

How do you make sure your spouse feels loved?

Basil: First you have to find out the other person’s love language, because very often we feel that the way I feel loved is the way my spouse will feel loved. I give Jacko jeera-golis… and Hershey’s kisses on Valentine’s Day. I also try to leave her alone to read her book when she just wants some relaxed time.  

Jackie: When he comes home, I try to go meet him and ask about his day,  show concern.  I try to do what I know he would like.  For instance, I know he would like an omelette with cheese and mushroom. I also tell him what I appreciate about him, even when he does something for someone else. 

Any funny or cute stories from your courtship or engagement? 

I had no idea that Basil liked me, because he was super secretive. He was worried that he might scare me away.  So every time he would visit,  he would take one of the sisters out- we were four of us- to go visit somebody, or run an errand. I had no idea he liked me until one day when he took me for some injections to the hospital. Instead of coming straight home, he took a different route. “Where are we going?” I asked. “To heaven or to hell!” That was quite a dramatic statement. 

That’s when he declared his intentions.,  “I’ve been feeling that we are right together. I feel so comfortable with you, even doing things like marketing.” 

If you know any other awesome Catholic couples you’d like us to interview, ask them and send us a message on catholicdisciplesmatchmaking@gmail.com.