It’s complicated enough being a single in today’s world, where in India everyone thinks if you’re in your late 20s you should be married already, and in the West, people think you’re crazy (and repressed) if you don’t have a boyfriend by the time you hit your 20s.
When you are Christian and single, beliefs about God intersect with the desire for a love life, and it can get really complicated in our heads. I was single right up to the age of 32, and still have plenty of single friends in their 30s, so I’m happy to share some of the (not-secret-any-longer) fears a single Christian faces:
1. That if we are too ‘content to be single’, God might take us at our word, and decide to leave us that way. Someone actually said that to me once when I said “I’m pretty happy being single.””Noooo!”she shouted, “Don’t say that! God will never send you anyone!” We KNOW that’s not how God works, but it’s a little superstitious fear. Or maybe we think if there are not enough eligible guys going around, then God will choose the girls who are more needy. And since I’m independent and strong, I CAN survive, so I don’t get picked.
2. Conversely, that if we are too desperate, God will decide to keep us single for as long as it takes to realize that we will never find the Perfect Love we crave in any human. That ‘it’s only when we stop caring too much about finding the right guy, suddenly he’ll appear in our life.’ See me not caring! (Because I really care!) Aarrgh! Catch 22 situation!
3. That although God loves us and wants us to be happy, He’s not REALLY in control. Since He doesn’t interfere with free will, He doesn’t really have control over whether or not there are enough good men to match every good woman looking for a spouse. (Just like it wasn’t His WILL that there should be suffering in this world, or evil for that matter… but it still exists.)
4. That we haven’t figured out how much of active involvement He really wants us to have with finding the right spouse. Like a quote I recently read- ‘Trust God, but tie up your camel.’ Are we supposed to be getting out there (wherever ‘out there’ is in Coronatimes)? Move somewhere where there are more options? Ask friends to look out for someone for us? Ask our parents to arrange something? Get onto Tinder? Visit your parish’s marriage bureau? Are we supposed to get on to Catholic Disciples Matchmaking Service? If we do, should we be messaging people, being the initiators? Or just wait for God to arrange something Himself?
5. That Psalm 37: 4, the Singles’ Most Favouritest Bible Verse Ever suffers from false advertising– ‘Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart’ doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to get married, but that He will ‘purify the desires of our hearts’ so that the only desire we have is to do God’s will and even suffer for His sake.
6. That the older we get, the more likely we will ‘settle’, taking the next person who asks who somewhat fits our ‘list’ even if we’re not particularly attracted or excited to move forward, and that we’re more likely to be ‘realistic’, and think “Well, love isn’t just about feelings.” And perhaps say yes more out of a fear that no one better will come along, than out of a love and desire for THAT particular human being.
7. That’s we’re being pathetic and whiny when we’re sad about not being married, because in the grand scheme of things, how big is our suffering compared to people who lose the use of their limbs, or people who live with constant physical pain, or people who find the love of their life, and then lose them to cancer, or worse, the love of their life hurt them in the worst possible way.
8. That people with all their many know-it-all opinions are actually right- maybe we are too picky. Maybe we didn’t discern well enough. Maybe God was calling us to religious life, but we weren’t listening. Maybe we’re boring and not marriage material. Maybe it’s because we’re religious. Maybe we’re too… something. Maybe we made too many bad decisions in the past. Maybe we took a wrong turn somewhere. We must have done SOMETHING wrong.
9. That God DOESN’T really have a plan, that it’s all just a numbers game, and that He promised to be WITH us, not arrange our lives so we get exactly what we want, or that His idea of my future happiness is very different from my idea of my future happiness. I guess basically that we are in some way going to be deprived by Him, that He hasn’t got our back.
Some of these fears are completely irrational, while some hold seeds of truth. Finally we have to lift them all up to the Lord, and ask Him to sort the truth from the lies, to bring light to the confusion and darkness of our minds. In silence and contemplation, in the arms of Jesus,  away from the loud insistent voices of social media, society and even our wounds, the truth emerges.
God is really enough. He is on my side even when I don’t get what I think I need. He has not forgotten me. He has not abandoned me. He will show me if I need to change course. And He WILL make everything beautiful in His time  I can rest in that assurance even when I don’t know how it’s all going to work out.
‘Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.’ Corrie ten Boom